his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
