Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
