I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
