He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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