A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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