Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
