Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
