Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
