I showed him my bush... on skype.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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