look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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