Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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