My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
