You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
