sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
