I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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