Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
