90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My ATM looks so different sober.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
