There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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