walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
