wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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