Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
