Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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