Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Randomize
