Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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