I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
