In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
