Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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