so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
