Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
