I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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