she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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