my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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