I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
