there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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