Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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