You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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