Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
