At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
