lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
