Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
