hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
