Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
