I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
