I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
