My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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