she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
