But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
