the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
