I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
