Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
