she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
