The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
