Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
